Dealing with narcissists in mediation: strategies for success

Mediation can be a highly effective method for resolving disputes, but when one or more parties exhibit narcissistic traits, the process can become particularly challenging. Narcissism, characterised by a lack of empathy, a sense of entitlement, a need for admiration, and an inflated sense of self-importance or an addiction to feeling special may lead narcissists to exploit others for their own gain and thus complicate mediation efforts.

Narcissists often struggle with empathy and may be highly self-centred, making it difficult for them to consider others’ perspectives. The very core of mediation requires couples to share differing perspectives to reach compromise. Therefore, understanding that narcissists may be predisposed not to consider others’ perspectives can help mediators anticipate and manage potential dispute or disruptions. It may be important to recognise that their behaviour, for example, being charming, presenting a false grandiose image or presenting as a high achiever, might be driven by a need for external validation and control rather than malicious intent. A narcissist’s desire for external validation is often referred to as narcissistic supply. If they do not receive attention, adoration, feel fear from others or create drama, they will often feel worthless. Without narcissistic supply, the narcissist becomes incensed which can drive them to behave unreasonably on divorce, by using their children and / or the legal system as a weapon against their spouse. To navigate mediation with a narcissist, you may wish to consider the following strategies:

Set clear boundaries

In mediation, it is crucial to establish and maintain clear boundaries and deadlines. Narcissists will try to play the victim, they may play games, incur costs unnecessarily or they may try to dominate the conversation or manipulate the mediator, their spouse or partner or other experts that are brought into the process. It is therefore important that the mediator takes the process by the scruff of the neck from the very outset. Individual intake meetings are vital in finding out more about the narcissist, for example, what is their backstory, what was their childhood like. That information can help the mediator with setting boundaries. The mediator must clearly outline the rules and structure of the mediation process and enforce these rules consistently. Boundaries will help create a controlled environment where all parties are held accountable.

Focus on objectives

In mediation with narcissists, the focus must be on concrete goals and objectives. Narcissists may be less inclined to engage in emotional discussions, so framing conversations around specific outcomes can be more effective. The mediator must clearly outline what is needed from each party to achieve a resolution and emphasise the benefits of reaching an agreement. Often narcissists do not have an interest in the final outcome, whether that is a financial settlement or the arrangements for the children, and they are instead there to fill up on their narcissistic supply, but this obstacle can still be overcome with clear signposting and language.

Use objective language

Narcissists may react defensively to perceived criticism or personal attacks, which can derail the mediation process. Objective and matter of fact language rather than emotive or personal language will assist. The mediator of course has a duty to always remain entirely neutral, acting as the balance between the couple, and therefore objectivity is key to the success of the mediation.

Avoid power struggles

Narcissists often seek to assert dominance, seek to “win” and may actively pursue a power struggle with the mediator to deliberately perpetuate difficulties within the process. They may seek to undermine the mediator, which may in turn, turn them to a victim. The mediator must not be drawn into these power games. The mediator must not let personal emotions or frustrations influence their approach or impartiality. The mediator must focus on facilitating constructive conversation rather than competing for control.

Acknowledge their needs

Narcissists often need to feel like they have come out on top. They may therefore be more willing to participate in mediation if they feel their needs and desires are being acknowledged. While this does not mean that unreasonable demands should be given in to, acknowledging their perspective will help gain their cooperation. Once understanding of their position has been demonstrated, discussions can be steered towards mutually beneficial solutions.

Promote self-reflection

The mediator should encourage narcissists to reflect on their actions and their impact on others. This can be challenging, as narcissists may resist self-reflection. However, framing it as an opportunity to improve outcomes for everyone involved can sometimes make them more receptive to examining their behaviour.

Consider shuttle mediation or remote mediation

In cases where direct interaction is too problematic or an individual has perhaps been the victim of domestic abuse (and the mediator considers that this does not prevent mediation from taking place), it may be appropriate to mediate remotely or within a shuttle mediation process. The mediator can then address each party’s concerns individually, reducing the potential for conflict and manipulation during joint sessions.

Mediating with narcissists requires a blend of patience, strategic thinking, and effective mediation techniques. By understanding their behaviour, setting clear boundaries, and focusing the couple on their shared objectives, mediators can navigate these difficult situations more effectively. Ultimately, the goal is to create a constructive and transparent environment where a couple can work towards a resolution, despite the challenges posed by narcissistic tendencies.

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